after reading the yoga of time travel and rereading my last blog...i'll answer my own question.
 

it doesn't matter. 


time is not linear.  it does not fit into a neat little comparment, the way the hands of a clock or the grid of a calendar mislead us into thinking.  it is not certain or even measurable, really.  time can be observed, but only subjectively.  time can not be compared against itself or anything else because it has vanished as soon as it happens.  it leaves no data, except our subjective memory of it.  time is elusive to those who try to study it scientifically.   

perhaps time is merely the rhythm we have chosen for our life.  and when we have aligned with spirit, time is ours to use as we see fit...without barriers or boundaries.

could i have fallen more in love with two characters...? could i have been more intriqued by the idea of time travel and its implications?  no, i was absolutely wowed and am still thinking about clare and henry, even though i finished the book a couple of weeks ago.  and, so, this is my burning question...

henry traveled back into the past to clare as a child because he was married to her in the future, but, i ask you, would they have been married had he not traveled back and known her as a child...?  

about two or three times a year, inspiration arrives in the form of a book.  ya know, the book you heard about and cannot wait to get your hands on.  once you do, you read it almost straight through and proceed to talk about it to everyone you know who will listen...  well, my book this fall is waking by matt sanford.

i heard him on npr...just a snippet...and knew i had to know more.  he's a yoga teacher and, oh yeah, and he just happens to be paralyzed.  he does "yoga backwards" and his insights on energy, silence, and the mind-body connection or disconnection are profound.

thank you, matt, for sharing.  thank you, universe, for bringing the sharing my way...

i have realized that...

i cannot make others happy or accepting of my friendship and , when this is the case, i must surrender ego and guilt and judgement and non useful effort. 

instead, i can hold them in a soft and warm esteem, patiently and consciously loving them from where i stand.

this is an eye-opening shift in paradigm.

 

twilight falls in a backyard as a small child investigates his toys.
a magnificent creature catches his eye.
he calls in wild, manic gibberish to his mother and points.
the praying mantis is revealed to her only after a second glance.
a moment of hushed wonderiment befalls all three.

this rainy, cool morning brought a splendid gift...a moment shared between myself and a young hawk.  this animal of spectacular vision and prowess called out as he landed just a few feet in front of my living room window.  i said to my son, that sounds like a baby bird, but its fall...that doesn't make much sense.  out of curiousity, i investigated.  imagine my surprise when i saw him/her...a young adult...looking right at me!  (i do not live in a rural area!)

i could explain this incident away in some logical fashion, or i can treasure it as serendipidity, intuiton-calling, and deeply spiritual.  i choose the latter.

today i put on krishna das and did some free form yoga...first sun salutations, then standing poses...but when the chanting became joyful instead of quiet, i let loose with some dance.  authentic- this is how i feel my body on the earth-dance.  the hips gyrated, the booty shook, and the spine rotated...it was delicious.  then once again, the chant became soft and reflective and i returned to classical poses, twists and forward bends and finally a restorative position.

i remember a time when i wouldn't allow myself that pleasure.  i thought it wasn't a practice unless it followed the course, was quiet, and was journalled religiously in my daily calendar. 

i'm soooo glad that my paradigm has shifted.

wow...if you ever want to be reminded of the sacred gift of food, spend an afternoon canning tomatoes.  its hot, itchy, messy work and worth every minute.  looking at the fruit close up, you realize the similarites between human form and plant form.  who could think that all living things are not related after really investigating the prize of a fruit, ripe and lovely...?  i see ovaries and lungs and muscle walls and on and on....all inside my prized tomatoes, just as they are within me.

beyond that, i am reminded of the chilly day, months ago, when my daughter and i planted the seed that bore this fruit.  i think again of the "transplant" day and weeding and waiting all summer.  what a metaphor for the human existence.  and, finally, the storing of this bountiful harvest, because reserves will be necessary throughout the long reflection of winter.

i realize now that truly harvesting a bounty requires discipline and effort, whether the bounty is tomatoes or your creative juices for activities like art, music, love, poetry...the universal creativity is available in abundance, but i must harvest it with discipline and respect.